I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
#Caturday
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?