Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My patience has stretch marks.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce