Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.