Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
an airline just for babies.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The pen is writier than the sword.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.