Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
As the Lord intended
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.