.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
This will teach them to underestimate me
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport