@TheTweetOfGod: .@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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@The_JRM: 5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number.
@HallpassCanada: For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
@pizza_dragon: Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco. Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he's away on fishing weekends.
@SondraDeeMe: *Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*