@TheTweetOfGod: .@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@Reverend_Scott: Police: We'd like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband's disappearance. Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
@DamnitJosh: "Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I'm not angry or covered in piss.
@WSiefford: I'm so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.