riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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January has been Januweary
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Simple enough.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.