riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
house sitting!
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.