RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.