RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.