When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*offers Batman cough drops*
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark