First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Sunday
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin