Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
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“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
#Caturday
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Sign at work today
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.