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@Sean_Burgundy_: *Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger
@zachreinert03: A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
@AnissaClingman: My brother & I've competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club...on FB.
Well played brother, well played
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it's easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
@internetluke: [i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
@SteveSuckington: What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.