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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!