*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
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they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
😎 🍻
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”