*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift