And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy