[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
😂😂
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???