[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
never deleting this app.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”