[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.