@Carbosly: Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There’s something wrong with your counting. 4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?