Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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jesus christ confetti not now
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”