**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
omg leave her alone
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
This is me 🤣🤣
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.