[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes