Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*