Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Anyone want a chair?
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Perfection.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.