I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Simple
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send