Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
ibopfufen
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age