*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
no regrets
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….