[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out