@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
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@kwirkyKerri: Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
@WindPushedGrass: 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' 'Is this spicy?' - White people at Indian Buffets
@UnFitz: Wild horses could easily drag me away. Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick. A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
@jbillinson: Obama: Tell Joe why he can't booby trap the White H- Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I'm doing it anyways