Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.