Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude