What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
You Might Also Like
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.