boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*