Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”