Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
You Might Also Like
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?