*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏