I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You Might Also Like
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon