[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Appendi
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Appendix
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?