*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.