*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Cat.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You know…for fall…
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery