You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.