@GaryJanetti: Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
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@Reverend_Scott: Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair. Rapunzel: Hair, you'll never be beautiful, you'll always have split ends. *hair is super let down*
@xLiserx: *Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.* "Oh no! My research!!"
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: what are you doing? Son: I’m in timeout Wife: did you make fun of Taylor Swift again? Me[from the other room] YES HE DID
@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.