A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of