Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.