Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
You Might Also Like
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
me
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.