RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
You Might Also Like
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.