If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
They got a point!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.