I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?