RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.