RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
You Might Also Like
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job